How to write deep,
soulful wedding vows
More than pretty words.
Profound, conscious commitments.
I want you to know that you don’t need to look at a single example of someone else’s “most romantic wedding vows” or “best wedding vows” in order to write your vows. You already have everything you need, and other people’s words actually distract you from your own.
The most potent, heart-filling, soul-satisfying vows you can possibly write are 100% in your own REAL words.
How to find those words? Say yes to your unequivocal, fierce, beautiful feelings for your partner.
Then simply be you.
I don’t care if your vows are a poetic masterpiece or if they sound like Tarzan blurting “Me love Jane”. If they are the real thing - if they are your words in your personality, they will touch deeply and to the core.
This is why you fell in love in the first place. Because you were both being truly you.
Follow the three steps below from my Vow Adventure Kit to write deep, authentic, soulful vows…
STEP ONE: WRITE “WHY I LOVE YOU’S”
The optional preamble to your actual vows.
“Why I Love You’s” set the stage to make vows…
The “Why I Love You’s”, as I like to call them, are actually not the vows themselves, they are the preamble to the vows. Why I Love You’s are optional, and express why and how much you love your partner, whereas vows are the actual promises. These two go hand in hand though, as Why I Love You’s are shared right before vows.
If there is any stress about writing vows, it’s usually about the Why I Love You’s. You may be feeling a ton of pressure to write something amazing because it will be shared in front of others, and also because you simply want to make sure you really honor your love.
There is also a trend in our current wedding culture on Pinterest, Instagram and wedding blogs to write AMAZING vows - an image of romantically professing your love with beautifully spoken words that blow your fiancé away.
It’s all well-intentioned, but… that is SO much pressure!
So this is where you get to drop that pressure. Just set it aside. Forget worrying whether you are writing “well” or whether if what you are writing is “good enough”. Forget everything you think you’re supposed to say. If you’re focused on these things, ironically, you’re actually not focused on your love.
Instead, do this…
How-To Write “Why I Love You’s”
Take a moment to notice any external factors influencing you - like what you think you’re supposed to say, how you’re supposed to sound, that your vows must be perfect, etc.
Instead, immerse in memories of the most important moments in your relationship. Write this sentence at the top of a blank page: “I love you because…” Then start talking as if your sweetie is right there, in your own voice, just like talking in conversation. Write the words down. Then finish the sentence again, and again, each time with a different answer until you’ve said all you can say.
Stop if you catch yourself assessing whether this is “good” and gently return to talking to your sweetie in your own voice, speaking what comes naturally. As long as it is your own voice and it’s how you truly feel, it is perfect. It doesn’t matter if you’re clumsy with words, or if it’s short or long. If it’s true, and you feel it deeply in your heart, it is just right.
For more great Why I Love You activities, check out the Vow Adventure Kit here.
STEP TWO: CREATE CORE COMMITMENTS TOGETHER
An opportunity to write your own set of guiding principles
Different from “Why I Love You’s”, the Core Commitments are the actual promises that you make - the actual vows themselves…
Vows are an incredible opportunity to deepen your relationship, and to create a set of guiding north star principles - a literal marriage “how-to” guide specifically tailored to the two of you, and that keeps you coming back to what is most important.
It’s common these days for couples to write promises separately from one another, then share them as surprises in the ceremony. It’s romantic, and I want to offer another option:
Decide on your core commitments together.
Honestly, there’s nothing more romantic than clear communication when it comes to long-term partnership. With clear communication, everything else falls into place. When you think of it this way, it’s kind of weird to write promises separately from one another. I’m over here promising this and you’re over here promising that.
Because surprise promises are romantic too, I made a place for them in Step 3, but first you can decide on your Core Commitments as a couple. You wouldn’t enter any other healthy partnership without a clear agreement that you create together about what is important - why would you skip it for marriage?
How-To Create Core Commitments
Immerse in your connection by walking down memory lane with each other, noticing what is important to you, and what makes your relationship strong.
Identify 5 Core Commitments that will bring you back to these values and strengths. You can have less or more than five, but make sure that there are few enough for you to easily remember them in daily life to guide you.
Core Commitments might include the “I will be there for you no matter what” theme that is the core of traditional “in sickness and in health” vows, or they may include other values that are important to you. This is where your vows become your very own set of north star guiding principles and a powerful tool for your marriage. If you are making big decisions, navigating challenges or if you simply want to touch back in with what is most important, you can consult the Core.
It may take a few different rounds of exploring this before you come up with the Core, but for the amount of time you’d take to scout venue locations or to shop for a wedding dress, you can create, together, the most powerful tool of all - a conscious, practical set of guiding principles for your married life to come.
For more great Why I Love You activities, check out the Vow Adventure Kit here.
STEP THREE: ADD SURPRISE COMMITMENTS
Surprise your sweetie with your own personal commitments
Add in the funny, the quirky, the romantic, the personal…
Surprise commitments are optional, and an opportunity to make promises that only you make, and that are not part of the Core but are still important to you. They are also an opportunity to surprise your partner with promises that haven’t yet been heard.
How-To Write Surprise Commitments
Reflect on promises that you’d like to make that are not covered in Core Commitments. Ask yourself, “What funny or caring or quirky or unusual or very specific commitments do I want to make that are not already covered in the Core?” Write it all down, then put it all together in the final step below.
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
Why I Love You’s, Core Commitments & Surprise Commitments
Share Why I Love You’s, then make your commitments…
If you’re sharing Why I Love You’s, then each write them on a card, paper or in a vow book to read to each other for the first time during the ceremony.
Next, each list the shared Core Commitments and any personal Surprise Commitments after the Why I Love You’s. Make the commitments in whatever order you like, unless you two have agreed to share them in a specific order.
And that’s it! A recipe to create deep, authentic, meaningful wedding vows inspired entirely by your connection and what is most important to the two of you.
I am so excited for you to write vows this way!
Love, Officiant Lisa
The Full Experience: Check Out The Vow Adventure Kit
Fun games & date nights to write Why I Love You’s & Core Commitments!
The Vow Adventure Kit includes two fun date nights for you and your fiancé, plus two optional solo adventures. Use the game cards, activity sheets, guided audio and a list of over 50 different Core Commitment themes to ponder and choose from. Simply go on the adventures and you’ll have completed your vows while having fun and deepening your relationship along the way.
Click here to learn more about the Vow Adventure Kit and how it works.
